just a thought, ngga jelas

Joyeux Anniversaire

It’s official. It’s October 19th again which means I am another year older. Blessed to see another year.

Since today is the oldest I’ve ever been and the youngest I’ll ever be again, I want to thank you for those who’s celebrate today with me. Tho’ I’m a weirdo, I want to thank you for having me around you. Thank you for all birthday wishes that you all sent to me. Please bear with me for another years to come.


can't get this out of my head, just a thought, ngga jelas

Once Upon a Time

Rapunzel: I’ve been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be?
Flynn Rider: It will be.
Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?
Flynn Rider: Well, that’s the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.

Ok. This would be a little bit cheesy. But, well, I can’t stand not to write it down here. So bear with me. Haha.

Yes, the conversation is from Tangled, yang ntah kenapa di Indonesia masuk dengan judul Rapunzel. That was my favorite scene and my favorite quotes from that movie. That scene got me like “gosh here goes my child hood dreams!”, trus menatap layar tanpa kedip melihat sekian ribu lantern terbang-terbang ke langit.

Yes, today is my birthday. And after a few hundred thousand days I’ve been through, there’s so many many days that I want to give up my dream but still making dream the next day. Pursuing dreams and how you wish it were a smooth ride, no? Sometime the twists and curves that I’ve been encountered left me full of negative thoughts and doubting my ability.

Tapi seseorang pernah berkata kepada saya, kita harus sadar bahwa kita adalah pilot dari mimpi-mimpi kita, jadi kita harus bertanggung jawab atas mimpi-mimpi kita dan terbang ke tempat-tempat yang belum pernah kita kunjungi.

I was fail. Over and over. Well, everyone does.

Was I scared? Sure.
Did I care? Nope.

Here is the cheesy part, but Disney teach me how not to stop dreaming. Haha. Karena dengan mempunyai mimpi, kita memberikan diri kita “harapan”. Dan “tujuan”. Berhenti bermimpi, well, sama saja dengan bilang “ya ngga ada yang bisa mengubah takdir sih”. Tapi kan kita ngga tau takdir itu kayak apa. Kalau ngga tau, trus kenapa bisa bilang “ngga bisa mengubah takdir”?


Itu kalau gagal.

Pertanyaannya sekarang adalah bagaimana kalau kita merasa sudah meraih mimpi-mimpi kita? Terus sekarang mesti ngapain?

Nah itu, persis kayak pertanyaan Rapunzel di atas. And that’s a good part after making a dream come true. Find a new dream.

Yes, today is my birthday. And after a few hundred thousand days I’ve been through, there were so many many days that I’ve been catching my dreams. Several dreams came true. What would I do next? Finding a new dream for sure.

And today, YOU were my new dream.

Curhat Colongan, just a thought, ngga jelas

There She Goes

Birthdays usually make me nostalgic. They make me contemplative. They put me in the mood to evaluate where I’ve been and where I am and where I want to go.  They remind me that everybody is getting older and that time is passing and that life goes on even though we are all going to die eventually.

Well, I’m joking about the last part. Heheh. But somehow I feel it’s true.

Di sela-sela contemplating saya sehari sebelum ulang tahun saya kemarin, saya mendadak inget sama seorang teman dari jaman kuliah dulu yang ngga pernah tau kapan dia tepatnya dia ulang tahun. Yang dia tau cuma dia berasal suatu daerah dari Indonesia Timur. Paling timur malah. Dan bukan kota. Mungkin administrasi di sana belum terlalu bagus sehingga tidak pernah tercatat kapan dia lahir tepatnya. Jadi waktu dia butuh bikin passport, dia harus bikin suatu tanggal yang dia pilih sendiri sebagai tanggal ulang tahun dia di dalam dokumen-dokumen yang dibutuhkan. Mengingat itu, membuat saya berpikir bagaimana tanggal-tanggal (yang kadang-kadang) buatan kita sendiri itu bisa dan seberapa banyak kita “mengizinkan” tanggal-tanggal tersebut mengatur hidup kita, sejak dari awal.

Coba kita bikin list, agak susah kayaknya untuk tidak melekatkan makna pada beberapa tanggal seperti malam tahun baru dan hari ibu. Dan daftar tanggal penting itu akan terus bertambah: tanggal lulus kuliah, tanggal nikah, tanggal divorce, tanggal kelahiran anak, tanggal masuk sekolah, dan sebagainya dan sebagainya. We even vaguely anticipate how long we’ll live by examining the life expectancy statistics of men and women in our country. Haha.

All of these dates contribute to a feeling that we’re almost entitled to something, to the idea that life will work out just so, in an organized manner and time-frame.

Well, ngga kayak tahun-tahun sebelumnya, sebenernya lagi ngga pengen nulis apa-apa soalnya ulang tahun tahun ini Cuma tadi tertohok dengan pertanyaan seorang teman yang tiba-tiba melontarkan pertanyaan retorikal ngga mutu: “you really don’t like being social, do you?”. Saya mendadak terdiam, lalu cengengesan dan menjawab “you know me so well!”

I realized along this time, I have been pretending to be a socialite because it was the only way I thought I would be accepted. Call me stupid. Well, I am.

But I’ve finally made the decision that I no longer care if I am accepted. Beberapa bulan terakhir, kalo pada nyadar sih, I dismiss almost all the invitation to “this and that” just because I don’t really feel comfortable to come. I just enjoy having a good time with a few good friend. Other than that, I am prefer to be laying under a tree reading a book in the forest or in an empty field, or just laying in the sunshine napping while the rays warm my skin, listening to the quiet sounds of nature around me at night while laying under a vast sky of white twinkling stars. Dan saya ngga butuh tanggal-tanggal buatan khusus whatsoever untuk itu. Ehe.

Curhat Colongan


Vio candle

This young boy turn to 6 years old today. He’s going to leave the kindergarten soon!

I don’t know if you will be a vet, a professional F1 racer as you dream of or the next president. But I know that you are one of the rock and roll boy in the world!

Now, I feel old. Really old. Haha.

Happy birthday, Big Boy!