Curhat Colongan, lagi mellow, ngga jelas

When in Doubt…

Let me say this. I woke up this morning with some mixed funny feeling that hard to described. That feeling when you don’t even know what the f*ck you’re feeling.

Woke up? Kayak pernah tidur lebih dari setengah jam aja. 

Ya gitu. Kayak abis lari-lari. Ntah dari apa. Lari sejauh mungkin yang saya bisa.

That’s not new. You have been keep doing that lately. 

Well, maybe because I feel this life(-love) has been unsustainable and I have no reason to stay. Any reasons I could come up with are immaterial and, ultimately, wishful thinking. 😐

Well, c’mon! You’ve done it before, Chi. You know you’re capable of starting over. For example, you would be able to keep the same job or even get paid better if you moved to a certain somewhere. It’s just a house. It’s just stuff. It’s just a heart that has been so damn broken but still fully functional, no? And you are still breathing!

Some says, you are you wherever you go.

We never stay, and in the end, we lose everyone.

And the blame is on my self. I know you are gonna say how silly I am on keep doing on the same mistake, but I can’t help it! My heart that really so damn broken still need some certainty. Not that unworthy and unwanted feeling. I know I am doing wrong and I am regret that.

So now what? Wait for the email telling you it’s over? Wait for another saying if you can stay? Wait for another telling you if there’s any option other than burning it all down again?


Just keep waiting. It’s what you’re best at.

No. I’m not best of waiting. I’m best of hiding myself and faking a smile. And will do all over again.

and that’s what will broke you from inside.

I will be okay. Like, always.

…………….. Ngga capek?

Capek? I’m exhausted! Tapi siapa yang peduli. Well, now go. Ngapain masih balik-balik ke sini?!

Kamu tau banget kenapa saya masih di sini. You fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that’s not exhausting, I don’t know what it is.

…………………. I’m fighting the feeling trying to convince my head (and my heart) that everything was okay.

You know timing has a lot to do with everything, don’t you?

Please. You know I’m fighting YOU and saya ngga tau kenapa saya masih mendebat kamu sekarang. Get. Out. Of. My. Head! 😐

just a thought, lagi mellow, ngga jelas

Maybe You

I’ve been sleeping better but having more terrible dreams. I don’t know. It just a flash feeling of being forgotten more and more until it vanish. Totally. There’s a karma of sleeping with your heart full of doubt, your head full of question and waking up feeling awful.

the messages that left unreturned

the warning sign that left not conveyed

the question that left tongue tied





and every time the doorbell rings, I still run.

My face above the water
My feet can’t touch the ground,
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon
Everytime you are not around
(waves – mr. probz)

Curhat Colongan, lagi mellow

Would You Delete A Memory?

Gara-gara kehilangan file-file musik saya sebesar 20-an GB yang ngga sengaja kehapus dari laptop, tiba-tiba pikiran random saya muncul dengan tidak sopan. Dan pikiran random yang nongol tanpa permisi itu adalah ini : –> Klo misalnya otak saya ini semacam laptop, ada memory-memory yang pengen saya hapus ngga ya? 🙄

So, would I delete a memory (from my brain)?

soal memori

iseng!, lagi mellow, ngga jelas

A Year Older, Again..

shooting star

Days before my birthday, a few close friends and family usually would ask me what I wanted for my birthday. Lip service stuff. Hahahahaha..

Actually, I don’t do birthday. Even any birthday party or any special gift that I could recall. It doesn’t mean I am not having a birthday fun. I have done a lot of stuff for my birthday up until now. From a kid-teenager party when I was 12, a real party when I was 17, a surprised party when I was 25 that held by ex-boyfriend, to a crazy party with some girlfriends. From a casual fun dinner, a fancy dinner to a romantic dinner by a pool full of floating burning candles. Yes, I’ve through those all already.

So then, when someone asks “what I want to do on my birthday” a few days ago, I was paused. Not because I do not know what I wanted to do on my birthday, but the question makes me thrown back into the past. The day when I was a teenager, love to read a lot of books (yes it still does anyway ..), and I have this cheesy scenes in mind about a happy birthday.

1. Scene one. I am sitting at the balcony, at one beach resort somewhere. Yes, somewhere. I don’t care which beach, but it should be a pretty one. Do a contemplating. Waiting for the shooting star. Make a wish right on 12 AM.

2. Scene two. I am sitting up on the hill. There was one of my favorite spot near Boscha. Yes, that Boscha at Bandung. The spot where we could see the clear sky, and if you are lucky, you could see the beautiful constellations. Well, I really wish I am that lucky on my birthday. Haha. The remains story is the same. I’m waiting for the shooting star, and make a wish right on 12 AM.

Yeah I know. I am that hopeless romantic. And cheesy. I couldn’t help it! :mrgreen:

Maybe that scenes wasn’t a happy birthday, it turns out I still keep the dreams about the (ideal) birthday somewhere in my head. And I’m happy I found that again.

So, what is a happy birthday in your version? 😛