When in Doubt…

Let me say this. I woke up this morning with some mixed funny feeling that hard to described. That feeling when you don’t even know what the f*ck you’re feeling.

Woke up? Kayak pernah tidur lebih dari setengah jam aja. 

Ya gitu. Kayak abis lari-lari. Ntah dari apa. Lari sejauh mungkin yang saya bisa.

That’s not new. You have been keep doing that lately. 

Well, maybe because I feel this life(-love) has been unsustainable and I have no reason to stay. Any reasons I could come up with are immaterial and, ultimately, wishful thinking. 😐

Well, c’mon! You’ve done it before, Chi. You know you’re capable of starting over. For example, you would be able to keep the same job or even get paid better if you moved to a certain somewhere. It’s just a house. It’s just stuff. It’s just a heart that has been so damn broken but still fully functional, no? And you are still breathing!

Some says, you are you wherever you go.

We never stay, and in the end, we lose everyone.

And the blame is on my self. I know you are gonna say how silly I am on keep doing on the same mistake, but I can’t help it! My heart that really so damn broken still need some certainty. Not that unworthy and unwanted feeling. I know I am doing wrong and I am regret that.

So now what? Wait for the email telling you it’s over? Wait for another saying if you can stay? Wait for another telling you if there’s any option other than burning it all down again?

…………….

Just keep waiting. It’s what you’re best at.

No. I’m not best of waiting. I’m best of hiding myself and faking a smile. And will do all over again.

and that’s what will broke you from inside.

I will be okay. Like, always.

…………….. Ngga capek?

Capek? I’m exhausted! Tapi siapa yang peduli. Well, now go. Ngapain masih balik-balik ke sini?!

Kamu tau banget kenapa saya masih di sini. You fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that’s not exhausting, I don’t know what it is.

…………………. I’m fighting the feeling trying to convince my head (and my heart) that everything was okay.

You know timing has a lot to do with everything, don’t you?

Please. You know I’m fighting YOU and saya ngga tau kenapa saya masih mendebat kamu sekarang. Get. Out. Of. My. Head! 😐